I Just Want To Matter

When I saw him,
Hurt reached inside of me,
And grabbed my heart
Tears stung the backs of my eyes,
Threatening to fall
My thoughts froze,
Unable to process anything other than his image

My eyes move to the word
Incarcerated.
I’m elated,
At least he isn’t dead
And this means I still have a chance.
To find out who the hell he is
Since I am a part of him

I see, ironically
It was sale of a controlled substance
I ask whoever is listening,
Although my apartment is empty,
How do you sale the very same substance you use?
The one that ruined your life,
Turned you into a fiend
The very same substance you are a prisoner of
And not surprisingly I,
Or anyone else listening,
Couldn’t fathom an answer

And silence embodies me,
As it all comes back to me,
Every promise he ever made and broke,
The tears I shed,
Missing and wanting him near,
The absence always years at a time,
His presence never longer than a month in time

And the hurt that grabbed my heart,
Grabbed tighter,
The tears that threatened to fall,
Burst from my eyes like water bursting through a weak dam,
The thoughts,
A mixture of memories, and anger
Raced

Breath escapes me,
Barely
Because my world has paused for just a second
My entire life,
I didn’t matter to him,
All the while wanting to.

And still I would rather live a life with him,
Than without.
"No one wants to be invisible,
Everyone just wants to be seen."--Jazmine Sullivan 'Famous'